Bismillahirrahmanirrahim :)
Man is not perfect. Man have to struggle in this life for the hereafter.
It's true. Something has pop-out in my mind in the darkness of dawn. To be ponder eternally.
"Have I done enough for my Hereafter?".
O'Allah, I'm not try my best yet to be special in Your sight. I do keep procrastination, the deed that I'm intend to do. Sometime I feel restless without aware of what I'm doing. I felt helpless. Can someone come and change me??
Allah says in the Quran, in the verse 11, Surah Ar-Ra'd:
For each (such person) there are (angels) in succession, before and behind him: They guard him by command of Allah. Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls). But when (once) Allah willeth a people's punishment, there can be no turning it back, nor will they find, besides Him, any to protect.
Reflecting this verse, I'm realize that I have to start within myself. It is a continuous process of learning. If you failed it, you have to restart again. Otherwise, your life on this earth are in vain. Useless.
For these several week, I'm in distress condition; a condition in which having stress is not improve my life, but make me feel more depress. I'm realize this when my body showed the signs and symptoms. To interact with me, the physiology of my body system change rapidly. I'm feel fatigue, dryness in my mouth and lips, sleep deprivation, being pessimistic and easily touched and cried even for the smallest things. I'm questioning myself a lot for these. I couldn't accept that I, as a Psychology's student could not manage my level of stress. The situation became worse when I keep blaming myself for not being a good Muslim, a good daughter, a good sister, a good and wise student, and a good friend. I'm feel in pain when I couldn't help others who are in needed. I'm feel bad exactly, because I'm failed to contribute something to help them.
This feeling really make me drive out from my own self. I feel that I lost everything. Something that most precious to me. I'm feel that I lost Him. I do not feel like He is with me. I'm feel very terrible. I feel alone. There is no one for me to rely on. In this state, I'm always miss my mother, miss her hug, miss her kiss, miss her words, miss her touch, miss every single things about her! If I can do anything to meet her again even in a minute, I will try my best to do it. But, it is impossible. Yes,the true impossible. How I want to make a person who are already die to come back? I have to Redha with the fate that Allah had written for me. Its hard. I know it. Mom had passed away since I was 16 years old, but in every single day, I'm are always miss her. Can you imagine how much I love her? How this heart is very weight with the load of miss to my mom.
To be realistic, I know that my performance in my study is decreased adversely for this semester. I'm pause for minutes. What have I done to myself? I have change someone who are love in study to be someone who do not care about learning. Someone who give less effort to understand the i'lm, the valuable things from Allah. I saw myself like someone who lost her direction in her journey and someone who want to shout and ask for help but can't do nothing because she is dumb. O'Allah, how disastrous I am! How I want to help myself? How I want to save myself? Someone,please help me! :''(
I'm crying a lot to find the source of this behavioral changing. I found that I'm lost. I feel nothing but a loser. My carry marks for my subjects is exist. I'm shock. I cannot even smile to see that. From the lab-based statistic, to the developmental psychology, to the cognitive psychology, to the introduction to Fiqh and health psychology, everything seem not have a hope at all. I'm feel extremely bad. I'm a JPA's holder and I'm holding the Amanah of people for their money which I expense it. But I'm doing bad in my study!. 'Why Hani?? Why you did like this?' :"(
Do you forget your hardness before this? Did you forget your father's and mother's sacrifice towards you? How they grow you up to be a good people, good muslimah and a good daughter? Did you forget everything that you learn previously? Where is your Principe, dear? Where you put your high dream, your parents' hope and you ambition? O'Allah, please remind me.
Friends, I put here some of my feelings to urge your consciousnesses about your surrounding. There are many people around you that seek for help but do not know where to turn. Some of them are people who you see they are okay for all time, but somehow they are unable to cope this test alone. This also to remind me that I have to put all my trust to Allah. I have to keep in touch with Him.
O' Allah, I noticed that some of my friends are being tested with other higher test from you. Please help them my God. Please show us the right decision. Please keep us stronger and make us feel that we have You. We are not alone. We are really need You my Lord. Please keep us in steadfastness. Ameen ya Rabbal a'lamin.
Thank you friends for listening to me. May Allah bless you in every second of your life. Ameen.
